I feel like I’ve wasted the last 22 years of my life hating who I was.. I was constantly judging myself in the mirror 24/7, and I didn’t want to show off my body to anyone. Why? I was bullied my whole life for being the chubby bunny. Exhibit A, below.
Like anyone who has been bullied, it can and does affect you, for a long time. If not, a life time. For me, it constantly made me doubt my looks and my worth. If someone says I’m pretty, I’d think they’re lying. If someone complimented my outfit, I’d think they’re taking the piss.
I’m 22 and I don’t remember a point in my life where I was confident in who I was.
As I grew up and started associating myself with boys (oooOOOOoOO), I realised my insecurities were impacting my life. I became a ‘fetish’ to guys who loved “big booty bitches.” I was only there to turn them on, not for anything more. But when I finally got into my first relationship, I thought it’d be the turning point for me.
I found someone who loved my body and my personality (the others missed out, I’m funny as fuck). I felt confident. Felt. Past tense. As the relationship got deeper, so did my insecurities. I tried hiding them but anyone could see I wasn’t myself. I no longer wanted to show my body because I was scared it’d make my (ex)boyfriend sick staring at me. I was scared he’d be turned off by my stomach and my legs.
I can’t explain that feeling of hating yourself so much you can’t even show it off to someone you love. I feared having to get changed, and don’t even start me on going to the beach. When the relationship ended, I was dealing with the heartbreak, the anger, the sadness, and the fear that not only will no one ever love me again, but I’ll never love me.
But with pain comes a hell of a lot of growth.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the next 22 years of my life be surrounded by how negatively I viewed myself. I’m on a new journey. I hate saying a ‘self-love’ journey but I guess it’s a journey of accepting that I’m better than I give myself credit for, my body has kept me healthy and alive for 22 years and you know what, I’m actually pretty fucking amazing. Just saying.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let the next 22 years of my life be surrounded by how negatively I viewed myself. I guess I’m trying to train myself to stop hating who I am. I don’t give myself enough credit for the fact that I’m alive and healthy, I’m achieving things I never thought I could and I’m actually pretty fucking amazing. Just saying. Get off my blog if you disagree. Hehe.
I wouldn’t say I love myself, I’m not at that point and I don’t know if I ever will, but I’m proud of myself. Really fucking proud of myself. I feared the girl in the reflection, and now I’m off taking posed photos in my underwear and sending them to my friends to tell them how hot I think I look. (True story though, #notnudesthough).
A journey to loving who you are is hard so start with being proud of who you are. You gotta think, it’s pretty cool that we’re all so different to one another. Explore that. Be different. Even if it means wearing a bright pink snake skin skirt to your birthday. Exhibit B above.